Are we asking too much of each other?
"Do we sometimes expect too much from men?"
A friend sent me that question recently. And the longer I sat with it, the more I realized there was a deeper question underneath it.
Not: Do we expect too much from men?
But: When do our standards come from self-respect, and when do they come from fear?
We live in a time where we seem to love to talk a lot about boundaries, red flags, self-worth, and high standards. And to be clear, I think that's a good thing. Many people, perhaps women especially, have spent years learning how to value themselves and stop accepting less than they deserve.
But sometimes I wonder whether some of our standards are actually something else. Sometimes they look suspiciously like walls.
Walls that protect us from disappointment.
Walls that protect us from rejection.
Walls that ensure we never have to become fully vulnerable.
Because if nobody ever meets our standards, we never have to risk opening our hearts completely.
Most of the time, this isn't conscious.
In fact, I think these patterns often operate beneath our awareness. We say we want someone emotionally available, consistent, self-aware, communicative, grounded, and healed. And yet, if we're honest…
aren't we all still learning those things ourselves?
We forget things.
We struggle to communicate sometimes.
We get overwhelmed.
We retreat into old patterns.
We disappoint people we care about.
Not because we're bad people.
Because we're human.
Perhaps the challenge isn't lowering our standards.
Perhaps the challenge is learning to distinguish between imperfection and unsafety.
Because those are not the same thing.
A person who occasionally struggles is not the same as a person who consistently drains you.
A person who is going through a difficult season is not the same as a person who repeatedly creates chaos.
A person who isn't perfect at communicating is not the same as a person who refuses accountability.
The difference matters.
And often, we don't feel that difference with our minds. We feel it in our bodies and soul. The feminine intuition and our instinct are marvelous gifts.
Do I feel safe with this person?
Not perfect. Safe.
Maybe that’s one of the most important questions we can ask.
As our conversation unfolded, we arrived at another thought that we all know deep down is incredibly important: being your own best partner (first).
Not because you should never need anyone.
Not because you must become fully healed before love is allowed to find you.
But because the relationship you have with yourself teaches you what love actually feels like.
It teaches you how to care for yourself.
How to respect yourself.
How to forgive yourself.
How to show up for yourself.
And from that place, your standards become clearer. Not harsher, clearer. Because what you tolerate from yourself often becomes what you tolerate from others.
And the more deeply you care for yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize the difference between love and confusion.
We don't need to become perfect before we deserve connection.
Other people don't need to become perfect either.
Love isn't about two fully healed people finding each other.
Maybe it's about two imperfect people who are willing to meet each other honestly and accept and love them as they are.
Two people who can see each other's flaws without immediately turning away, who understand that growth is messy, and two people who choose responsibility, truth, and connection, again and again.
I once told my friend,
"I can see the storm cloud hanging over you, and I still want to be here with you."
Perhaps that's what love is.
Not pretending the storm cloud isn't there or ignoring reality. But recognizing that someone's humanity does not automatically make them unworthy of connection.
Maybe the real question isn't whether our standards are too high or too low. Perhaps the real question is:
Which of our standards are rooted in self-respect and which are quietly protecting us from the very love we say we want?
With love,
Nina
and the wonderful mind of my best friend, Tatyana
